Sunday, February 14, 2010

A Journal Entry

February 13, 2010
My heart is feeling crummy -- I know I do not pay taxes yet, but I will - all too soon. I feel guilty by association, even though I do not know the battles You will call me to. It is too heavy a burden to carry alone, knowing part of what I work hard for pays for murder. My efforts breed death. It bothers me, as You know, Lord, and the burden is one I do not know how to bear alone - so I am going to lay it down at Your feet, because it is too much for me alone -- I need Your sufficient grace.


My Lament

How do I reconcile this atrocity?
I trust You are big enough to know my feelings
Lord, You know my heart and where it is
I pray for pardon for my dilemma, my guiltiness
Have mercy on me!
I know I am guilty
Pardon us, we are blind and misguided
My heart is heavy, my hands are tainted
I need Your grace to cover me
My hands are tied and I am guilty

Forgive us, Lord, our evil is great
We say the crooked line is straight
Hear my plea for Your mercy
But if You must, let Your wrath fall upon me
The stains of sin are on my hands
Blood covers them, I understand
My only plea for me is be swift
I am unworthy, this I admit
I confess, I hold the guilt
Forgive me, Lord, if You will
But let me take the blame for what’s been done
I am so guilty, great is my association
I plea for mercy for our evil

Lord, You know my heart and where it is
But I have been so evil, guilty of this
How do I reconcile this atrocity?
I trust You are big enough to know my feelings
I fall to my knees
Have mercy!
Pardon us, we are blind and misguided
My heart is heavy, my hands are tainted
I need Your grace to cover me
My hands are tied and I am guilty

I do not expect understanding or mercy
I understand we are so guilty
I readily take the mantle of this guilt
To all of my evil, I will admit
For us all, I repent
I will take the punishment
Pardon them if it behoves You
They know not fully what they do
Let me plea our case before You
Let me take the blame for what we do
There is blood upon my hands
Deaths on my head, I understand
My heart burns, what can I do?
I plea for them before You

Lord, You know my heart and where it is
But I have been evil, at fault for this
I pray for pardon for my dilemma, my guiltiness
How do I reconcile this atrocity?
I trust You are big enough to know my feelings
Have mercy on me!
I know I am guilty
I fall to my knees
Have mercy!
Pardon us, we are blind and misguided
My heart is heavy, my hands are tainted
I need Your grace to cover me
My hands are tied and I am guilty

I trust in Your complete knowledge of my heart
I do not even know where to start
I repeat my confession of guilt
To every wrong committed, I admit
The blood is on my tied hands
See my heart, I plea, and understand
Father, I take full responsibility
Upon them, have mercy
The deaths from our evil are great
We say a crooked line is straight
Turn black and white to grey
And lie more than our words say
I am guilty, I admit to my wrong-doing
Lord, let Your wrath fall upon me
For all of us, I take the blame
Forgive me for the oceans of shame
Pardon us for our evil, we know not fully what we do
Oh but please know, in spite of all my evil
I still love You
It is what brings me here, have mercy still
Pardon and forgive them, I will take the punishment
On my knees, for us all, I repent

Lord, You know my heart and where it is
But I have been evil, at fault for this
I pray for pardon for my dilemma, my guiltiness
How do I reconcile this atrocity?
I trust You are big enough to know my feelings
Have mercy on me!
I know I am guilty
I fall to my knees
Have mercy!
Pardon us, we are blind and misguided
My heart is heavy, my hands are tainted
I need Your grace to cover me
My hands are tied and I am guilty



For All Mankind, I Repent

Lord, I don’t know what more to say
My interruption has stuffed the feelings away
Open up my heart, tear down the walls
And reveal the feelings, bring to the surface it all
Let my heart smote and burn
Let all that was there return
The burden lurks yet
I wish for tears to shed

For all mankind, I repent
Our evil is great and is never spent
Forgive us, we are eager in our wrong-doing
We do not tire of its accruing

Let it not be a far-off feeling
Let it be fresh in memory
I never want to be desensitized to what it feels like
Lord, keep it near, let it burn hotly inside
Never let me forget
Don’t let me be numb to it
Dead to apathy
Let me be
May I feel this burden deeply
I am so guilty
May I never forget this feeling

For all mankind, I repent
Our evil is great and is never spent
Forgive us, we are eager in our wrong-doing
We do not tire of its accruing

I take the blame
Even for those who curse Your name
I am at fault, I admit
I confess to all of it
I take the burden of our sin
I feel it burn deep within
I cry mercy
But not for me
For all mankind
For all of mankind

For all mankind, I repent
Our evil is great and is never spent
Forgive us, we are eager in our wrong-doing
We do not tire of its accruing



These Written Prayers

Father, hear my prayers even though they are written
Look to my heart, see I mean them
My sweet, caring Father, incline thine ear
Turn Your eyes upon me; come near

I may write my prayers, but I mean them
Look at my heart, may there it be written
Hear these prayers the same as the others
I am pouring out my soul with each letter

In a rhyme, they fall on the sheet
But they are for Your eyes to see, to read
Father, incline thine ear, may I have Your attention
Words fall short, but read what I’m managing

Let these pall words reach You
Please hear me - it’s all I can do
I believe You’re here as I talk to You
Lord, every word is meant for You

My sweet, caring Father, come near
What I want to tell You, please hear
My words may be written
But I mean them




Listening

I feel emptied of what I could say to You
Empty, though I still feel the need to pour my heart out to You
What more can I say? Words pale
In light of everything, they fail

So I shall try to quiet
Listening
Speak to me, Lord
I am listening

I am not ready to leave this place
Though I am emptied of words to say
My heart is still in desperate need
I am not ready to even start to leave

So I shall try to quiet
Listening
Speak to me, Lord
I am listening

You’re all that I am here for
It’s all that I have come here for
To hear Your voice that I adore
Unmoving, I am face down on the floor

Let my words be few
Let me quiet enough to hear You
All that I want, all that I need
My words are emptied

So I shall try to quiet
Listening
Speak to me, Lord
I am listening




Psalm 16:6 “… The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.” (NIV)
Psalm 16:10 “…because You will not abandon me to the grave, nor will You let Your Holy One see decay.” (NIV)
(KJV) Psalm 16:10 “…For Thou wilt not leave my soul in hell; neither wilt Thou suffer Thine Holy One to see corruption.”

Job 6:8-10 “Oh, that I might have my request, that God would grant what I hope for, that God would be willing to crush me, to let loose His hand and cut me off! Then I will have this consolation -my joy in unrelenting pain- that I had not denied the words of the Holy One.”

Hebrews 10:17 “Then He adds, ‘Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more.’”*

*See Jeremiah 31:34
(All emphasis mine)


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All of this was taken directly from my journal. Yesterday, I had a many-hour session with the Lord. This is the account of my time spent with Him, of my prayers, my thoughts, and my reading. My journalling might seem a bit hard to understand to an outsider, perhaps specifically the Bible quotations.

In Him,
Against the Tide
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Note: The second part of Will You Follow will be posted immediately upon its completion. It is coming soon. Stay on the lookout for it, as it will be up very soon.

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